Lost and Losing It.

(Because the eye eats first)

I am thirteen kilos lighter than i was in January of this year. I am twenty eight kilos lighter than I was two years ago. People who havent seen me for awhile say - "You've lost weight." Or if theyre very nice people, they say - 'wow, you look great. You've lost weight.' While it can be a buzz to get positive feedback on one's size, I do take issue with this concept of weight being LOST. If its lost - where did it go? If its lost - that implies Im currently searching for it? And missing it? And wanting to find it again!? Or that I absent-mindedly misplaced it. Like a favourite pen. Or a two dollar note. Or my car keys on a crazy day. This is a gross misrepresentation of the facts. One which i want to rant and rave about.
While there are many things I am unsure of in this universe, I most definitely am certain that unlike brooding hot Jack and the misunderstood (but equally HOT) Sawyer - I do not wish to find my LOST island of fat kilograms. Indeed, far from being LOST, that spare tyre (or two) that used to keep me company was forcibly evicted. Banned. Rejected and ejected. Those kilos were uninvited guests that slipped in the door disguised as a double scoop of rumnraisin ice cream. Or hitched a ride with the fa'alifu taro. And the bowl after bowl of steamed white rice. Masquerading as comforters, they wooed me with promises of happiness, stress release and plain ole boredom alleviation. Home baked chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Fried rice from the Chinese takeaway. Hunks of rye bread dripping with honey and gooey peanut butter. Honey soy chicken. A driveby cheeseburger snack. Three servings of coco pops. Yes they were all my friends. Its not their fault they over stayed their welcome. Or left behind nasty linger-ers who needed deporting. So for the record, please note fact number one - fat isnt LOST. And nobody (in their right mind) is out looking for it, putting up Reward posters for its return or wistfully reminiscing about the good ole days when fat was ones best friend.
Fact number two - I havent LOST any weight. I kicked its butt outa here with power walking. Running. Lots of rest. Healthy eating habits.At 5am when sane people are in bed, I was stumbling in pitch black darkness around the Sports complex hoping and praying that all the drunks were asleep in a ditch rather than waiting for a silly woman to huff past. Instead of staying up till 2am to write in the peace and quiet of a sleeping house - I had to go to bed early. Instead of eating everything and anything i wanted - I had to schedule my food - six small meals a day. Can you even grasp what a nightmare that is when you have a family of 7 to feed? I did Nina's Challenge...again...and again...and again for the extra motivation. I sought out good friends to run with. To commiserate with. To do a 100 km relay with. I (for once) listened to my husband when he told me how to train. How to recover. How to prevent injuries. Make no mistake about it - getting rid of unwanted weight is hard work. Old habits are hard to break. Especially when theyre so delicious and relaxing! You dont LOSE weight. You get rid of it with pig-headed stubbornness and determination. And it doesnt go until you face the facts. ( to paraphrase the wicked Xtreme Performance trainer...) 'Aint nobody else responsible for your fat but YOU.' Step up and claim responsibility for the state of your health. Your life. Your thighs. Your cholestorol.
Thats right. Its not my five fabulous babies fault. (Although they sure do owe me big time...) Its not my husbands fault...just because he domesticated me, and made me give birth to these children, and made me think of other things besides myself. Its not MY mothers fault...just because she was a yoyo dieter and exerciser and squirrelled away tubs of chocolate pudding to eat all by herself when we werent looking and that is now my fave treat. Its not my works fault...the soap business, the construction company, the office, the home-management. Its not homeschools fault. Its not three ceasareans fault. Or three near death experiences with toxaemia. Nope. Im not unhealthy because im too busy, too tired, too stressed, or too frantic. Im unhealthy because I choose to be.
Oprah ( who of course knows EVERYTHING) said that we get unhealthy because we "dont love ourselves enough". Women put themselves and their needs last. Behind kids, spouse,extended family,the next door neighbor, the random stranger on the street... As usual - I agree with Oprah. (does that take me one step closer to being disgustingly rich i wonder?)
Its a long hard slog - but Im slowly learning to love myself better. And how to choose good health....now if i could just figure out what the heck the latest plot line is on 'Lost' then i would be truly happy!